further BL musings

In case it wasn't completely obvious, I was really glad to see Amy go off the Biggest Loser last night. She annoyed the crap out of me.

As I was driving to the gym today, I got to thinking about why she irritated me so much. And why I like Kae so much. What I came up with--like it or not--was that I recognize a lot of myself in Amy, but really wish I was more like Kae.

I've heard that the traits that annoy you most in others are the ones you don't like about yourself, and I think that's what's going on here a little bit. I mean, I don't think I'm nearly as drama-queeny and two-faced as Amy, but I have been known to be petulant and selfish and make excuses instead of doing the work. I definitely love to slack off and procrastinate and all those things that I saw her doing from week to week. I also identified mightily with her inability to fit in, even while recognizing it was mostly her own doing. Toward the end, she really did start trying, I think, but it was too little-too late by then. She's like, everything I don't like about myself, wrapped up into one noxious, loudmouth bundle.

And then there's Kae, who doesn't half-ass anything, who turns down the food temptations every single week, who tells it like it is. She knows what she wants and she's hell-bent to get it. I want to be like that. I want to do the things I know are right and not just take the path of least resistance. So I like her, because in this weight-loss journey, she's who I wish I was. I hope she wins the whole darn thing. Go Kae!

on the outside looking in

I took the boy to the game store today. He's totally with his own kind in there...he knows all the clerks by name, knows when all the new games are coming out, exchanges opinions, debates the merits of what he owns against what he wants. They understand him, can talk about game consoles and anime and the intricacies of Guitar Hero long after the point that I would be resorting to "mmhmm"s and "ah"s to keep the conversation going. I'm like an alien standing off to the side, barely following the conversation. After a while, I gave up trying to understand the finer points of XBox 360 v. Playstation and went to the movie side of the store until he was done shopping.

I think I felt how he feels when I drag him with me to the bike shop. :)

Normally this would be weigh-in day; but I didn't, so it's not. I'm beginning to think that I oughta just give up the delusion that this is a weight-loss site and stop the scale updates altogether. I'm not sure how many more variations of "197...again. Bah-dum-bum!" I can come up with.

Speaking of delusions, I think I'm going to have to go saddle-shopping again. I so badly wanted to love the Jett...it's a lovely design, good cutout, nice and wide for my "mother-birthin' hips" (as Noah's grandmother called hers one time--they run on that side of his family, too. He should thank his lucky stars he isn't a girl)...but it's just not working for me. I thought the sore sitbone issue would go away after I got used to the saddle, but it's still a problem after several months. Plus, there are other issues. Rawness where there shouldn't be rawness, that sort of thing. I'm thinking of checking out one of these. Or maybe I'll eschew the cutout and try a different approach. Or go back to Terry. Sigh. I don't know. Maybe I'll just go to the shop and peruse their used saddle bin.

In other news, I still can't seem to find a replacement teammate for Urban Dare, and Noah turned 13 this week. Mothers of teenagers are supposed to be old and uncool, aren't they? At least I've got that 2nd one down. :P

UPDATE: Teammate found! Just when I thought I was going to have to skip the race, someone came through. Rock! (Noah's still thirteen and I'm still old & uncool, as far as I know.)

Song: Shinin' in the Dark (right-click, save-as)

I should know better than to click links...it usually costs me money

Though I have a drawer full to overflowing with cycling jerseys, I just had to follow that Twin Six link on fatcyclist to check out their new 2008 lineup for women.

Drool. I'll take one of everything, please. Especially the Argyle and School Girl. And the Speedy!

Thank you, that is all.

hee

After meaning to go to the apple store and ogle check out the new iPods for days and days, I finally saw some at Best Buy today. Eh. The new Nanos don't thrill me. While it might be nice to carry video on my iPod, I don't think I would use it enough to make it worth spending the $200 to replace my current nano when she's working perfectly fine.

The purple Shuffle is another matter entirely...that was what I really wanted to see anyway, and it didn't disappoint. It totally matches my helmet!* I didn't buy one today, but I believe a purchase may be imminent.

Also, Apple...what took you so long? :) Were you mad I didn't buy the red one?

*Not that I wore my helmet to Best Buy, mind you...though with my calves still sore three days after my overzealous jogging adventure, and the extra-special clumsiness associated with that, I should maybe start wearing it everywhere. I almost tipped over standing in a line yesterday--no kidding. Yes, I am just that coordinated. Fear me.

just a little green bundle of awesomeness.

I keep forgetting to mention it, but the new Nano arrived last Monday. LOVE IT. Also, I love iTunes 7. I was hesitant to upgrade at first (we fear change), but it's soo much nicer than the old version. You should go download it right now.

Anyway, I've been using Lucy everywhere for about a week now, and I am thoroughly satisfied. The long battery life, the teeny-tiny size, the green-ness...and going from 6GB capacity to 4GB hasn't been a problem so far, either. As I kind of suspected, I had a lot of crap on my Mini that I never used. My "Songs I Never Listen To" playlist was bigger than my "Stuff I Like" playlist*. It's nice to start with a clean slate. Currently, I'm only using about half of what Lucy can hold, and that's including some pretty hefty audiobooks. So, thumbs up. :)

*yes, these are actual playlists. "Songs I Never Listen To" is a smart playlist, which takes the 100 least-played files on the iPod. That way, when I'm feeling bored with the music I like, I can listen to the music I've forgotten about.

Why I won't be downloading 3rd Degree

Between downloaded episodes of This American Life, I've been listening to James Patterson's Women's Murder Club series of books in the car on my commute. Now that I've finished books 1 & 2, I have some comments.

Warning: May contain spoilers, but I'll be as vague as I can. (I doubt you're gonna want to run right out and read the books after this, anyway.)

First, a comment specific to the audio:

The reader for book one wasn't great, but tolerable. The reader for book 2 was AWFUL. She used the same voice for every woman, and interpretation of men's voices made me want to throw things. My opinion on voices is simple: do them only if you can do them consistently and convincingly. This chick could do neither, and should really get out of the audiobook business. Jeremy Piven did do a good job with the killer POV chapters, though. Good enough for me to keep going all 8 hours, even though I knew how it would turn out by hour 6.

Now, about the books. I really wanted to like them, because I like the Alex Cross novels and this is a shorter series. Sadly, they're pretty much crap. Here are my thoughts:

1. Man, Patterson sure does like that "this is definitely the killer--oh, wait! No it's not!" plot device.

2. Enough with the "rah-rah, women rule, us girls gotta stick together" crap. Please. I get it. This is exactly why I didn't read that Ya-ya sisterhood book.

3. Could have done without the miscarriage. It served no real purpose...why have her pregnant at all? Character development? Bonding among "the girls"? Whatever. And way to go with implying that she lost the baby because she worked too much. Bravo, Jim.

4. I have a hard time seeing how Lindsay Boxer is that great of a detective. She's reckless, territorial, leaks to the press, and has been sure of the wrong guy in BOTH books. Sure, she got the right guy in the end, but Cindy the reporter is a better detective than her, if you ask me. Make her a cop!

5. Book 2 was painfully predictable. There were maybe 2 things I didn't see coming a mile away, and only because I didn't really give a shit about that particular subplot.

6. For instance...I've never been to Stanford and I'm no homicide detective, but even without the chapters devoted to the killer's POV I could have guessed the sniper would be in the tower. When they all were surprised that there was shooting on the quad, I actually rolled my eyes. I would think that any homicide detective worth his (or her) badge would know that if you're searching for a sharpshooting murderer on a college campus with a BIG-ASS TOWER, maybe you should post some guards around that bad boy, first thing. Yeesh...Charles Whitman, anyone?

So yeah. I don't think I'll be listening to book 3. Maybe I'll start listening to the Stephanie Plum novels instead...I've been reading a combo edition of the first 3 books, and I'm really starting to like that girl. :)

yeah, hi.

It's been 3 full days since I got back from my business trip, and I'd just like to know--when am I going to stop waking up every morning feeling like hammered shit?

I can't decide which is the primary factor in this--the 18-hour workdays, the crappy takeout food, the lack of exercise, going from central to mountain time and back, readjusting to the heat and humidity, or just the fact that I'm nearly 70 lbs heavier than my body wants to be. It's probably a big ol' combo platter of all those things, and I just need to work my way back to an acceptable routine. However, it's starting to work my nerves. I can't make myself do the things I want to do. Things I need to do.

For the past 3 days, I haven't been able to drag myself out of bed before 7:00, even though I've gone to bed before 10:00 the previous night. Today, I was totally planning to go to the 5:30 spin class at the gym--I went to bed at 9:30 last night, made a mental note of where all my bike clothes were, set out my gym card, etc. When 4:45 am hit, though, sleep won out. I told myself that I would bike commute instead, but then snooze-buttoned my way past that deadline too. I finally made myself get up at around 7:30, with just enough time to take a shower and hit the road. I brought my workout bag with me, and I'm hoping to at least get a walk in later...though I'm still fighting the urge to nap, and my attention span for anything is about thislong.

The good news is, I haven't gained any weight. (Haven't lost any, either, but I have to look on the bright side here.)

Tour de France thoughts

I've been following the Tour this year, and it's probably the first time I've looked forward to watching a sporting event. I've been casting my predictions in this contest, and I'm usually so far off that whoever manages the contest must think I'm a total f'ing moron. I picked Ivan Basso to win in the grand prize contest, and for all I know it was after the news broke that he wouldn't even be in it. Ah well...it's still fun to guess, even if I do suck. :)

We watched the first few stages at my dad's house or at the hotel, and I was into it enough to be disappointed that I would have to miss the most recent 3 stages. (Stupid work! Stupid weekend obligations!) I don't pretend to know much about strategy or technique, or anything about bike racing really, but I do have some appreciation for people who can ride 2000 miles over 23 days, through mountains, and still average over 25 mph. I also like that there's not a clear favorite this year, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I might have a small, harmless crush on George Hincapie.

So, here are my feelings on today's time trial.

(I'm not sure whether this should have a spoiler warning, but I've put it in the extended entry just in case.)

Goddamnit, George! 2 minutes back?! I suppose there's still hope, but I sooo wanted him back in yellow today. Keep this up, I may have to jump on over to the Landis camp.

And who the hell is this Honchar guy, anyway? :)

Wow. This is hard.

You know, maybe it's because I've been on a long vacation, maybe it's that I'm discouraged at gaining 12-15 lbs in the last 2 months of 2005, maybe it's just that I've started over so many times, but this whole weight loss thing seems really HARD this time around. Did I really used to bike 100 miles a week before? Did I really drink upwards of 70 oz of water every day? Did I really cook? Like, actual food on an actual stove? Amazing. It's all I can do now to walk 2 miles (or bike 10) and call for takeout. More than 3 bottles of water? I spend half my life in the bathroom.

Of course, I know it will get easier with time, and also that it won't take as long to get back into good habits as it did to get into them in the first place. I also know that there are other things going on that could be contributing to my overall layabout-ness. I've been very hormone-eriffic this week, and it doesn't seem to be letting up. TOM was supposed to be last week, so it could really go at any time. I'm not exactly known for my regularity, and my last few weeks have been so stressful and disordered that I can't really expect that system to behave normally under the circumstances.

Of course, whenever I'm later than I expect, there's always that voice in my head that speaks up and says "Woohoo! You're pregnant!" After a couple years of hoping and being disappointed, I try to ignore that voice for as long as I can. To do otherwise just leads to heartache. (I do have to say, though, if I were pregnant, it would totally set a personal speed record for New Year's resolution achievement.)

Anyway, getting back to the plan. I'm not going back to WW meetings until my water intake is back where it should be. I've still got WW Online, and I've been pretty good about entering my food and exercise into it. Today, anyway.

As for weight loss, I've gained 4 lbs since Sunday. But like I say...this week has scored high on the weird-routinometer, so I'm not entirely surprised. If I can get my water and exercise up and my junk food down, I should be able to drop back down to 185 by the end of the week.

Going forward, my plan for January is:

1. Get my daily water intake up to 2L/day. This should be easier now that I'm back at work.

2. Lean Cuisine or deli salad for lunch on weekdays. The added benefit of doing this v. going out is that I can work out during my lunch hour this way. Which brings me to...

3. Work out every day. I've tried setting a goal of 3-5 days/week in the past, but it just doesn't work for me. In order for exercise to become a habit for me, it needs to be daily. Now, I don't mean "bust my ass every day"...some days are going to be 20 minutes, some days are going to be 3 hours. Hopefully, I will average somewhere in the 30-60 minute range. The point of this plan is to do something each day. Otherwise, before I know it I'll be doing nothing most days.

Tentatively, I'm planning on the early morning cycling class on Tuesdays & Thursdays, because it's only 30 minutes long on those days, which gives me plenty of time to shower and get back to the house before I go to work. On M-W-F, I'm going to walk the track at work (or run some of it, if I'm feeling ambitious) during my lunch hour. And on weekends, it's the bike. I may introduce weights to this at some point, but right now I'm going to focus on the cardio.

4. Write shit down. I've always had more success when I was keeping a food and/or exercise journal, even if I wasn't posting it here. I won't be posting it here this time, at least for the immediate future.

And that's about it. I'd like to be back down to 180 by the end of January, but I'd be happy with anything under 185.

Happy Birthday

This is Robert. I'm hijacking Joy's blog for a few minutes to wish her a happy birthday. I hope you had a good day, Joy, and here's to 70 more.

ROB

a long, boring, and probably grossly misleading math post

In an absolutely shocking development, I responded to a disappointing weigh-in by crunching the numbers! Who saw that coming? ;)

Taking my calories in - calories out Mon-Thurs and figuring that I burn 2000 calories per day just staying alive (stayin' alive, stayin' alive, ah-ah-ah-ah, stayin' aliiiiiii--oh, sorry), I show a 2577-calorie deficit for the week. This is less than a pound, so my loss this week is about right, so long as the weekend days were a wash. I suspect that they were--I burned 1300 calories on Saturday's ride, but probably ate close to 3000 (buffalo wings and cheese enchiladas). Sunday was an average calorie day, with no exercise. Friday was probably also about even. So strictly by the numbers, half a lb. this week is fair. If my scale was more precise, I may have seen a slightly bigger loss, but certainly not a full pound.

You know what this means, right?

I'm eating too much. Stop the presses!

This does surprise me a little, if only because I tend to pay attention to the numbers only when they're in my favor. For instance, my HRM told me that I burned 3410 calories in exercise this week, so my brain leapt on that number and said--"Hey, you should lose at least a pound, since you're eating a deficit, too."

Here's the flaw in that logic--I was double-dipping some of my exercise. First, I was calculating my background calorie burn based on an active person, then adding all my exercise calories to that, and subtracting my calories eaten from the total to come up with my calorie deficit. So whatever portion of those "active person" calories were due to...well, activity, I was counting them twice. And then wondering why was wasn't losing more weight. Sigh.

So now, I've been forced to reassess my numbers. Anticipating that Saturdays and Sundays will cancel each other out, I ran the numbers on weekdays only. According to various charts and estimates from my own observations, my sedentary burn is 2000-2100 calories. To be on the safe side (and to make the math easier), I'm going with 2000. At a food limit of 1700, I'm at a 300-calorie deficit. Multiply that by 5, that's 1500. Each of my four weekday rides burns around 500 calories, so that would add another 2000 calories. 1500+2000=3500 calories, a completely respectable full pound loss.

However, if I'm going to make 165 by mid-September, a pound is not enough. Strictly by the math, I'd need to lose another 2625 calories. Divided by 5, that's 525 per day. 1700-525=1175. So, if weekends don't matter, I'd have to limit myself to 1175 calories on weekdays in order to lose the 1.75 lbs/week I need to hit the Hometown 20 goal.

Holy shit. That's a recipe for disaster if ever I heard one! Don't get me wrong--I know there are people who live quite happily on 1200 calories/day. More power to them, I say. I've tried that road, though, and it only led to frustration and disappointment in myself (see my Weight Watchers experience, 2003-early 2005). So, let's try this again.

What happens if I add a 40-minute walk on ride days, and an hour on the off day? In addition to giving me work fitness points if I do it over my lunch hour, it also burns about 250-300 calories per day. At the high end, that would bring my food calorie limit up to 1475, which is much less soul-sucking than 1175 (even though it's only the equivalent of an apple w/peanut butter...funny how that works).

And what if, in addition to that, I ate less on Saturday? Like, instead of a 3000-calorie free day, I showed even a little restraint? I could save another 500 calories, at least. And yes, one could argue that eliminating the free day altogether would solve all my problems and possibly make hosts of angels burst into song, but I like having one day when I can eat what I feel like eating when I feel like eating it. There's no need to get crazy with it, though, which is kind of what I have been doing lately. (Buffalo wings and cheese enchiladas in the same day? Are you kidding me?)

Anyway. Keeping all of this in mind, here's what I'm changing for this week:

1. Changing my food target to 1500 calories on weekdays.
2. Adding walks during my lunch hour Mon-Fri.
3. Eating sanely on my free weekends.

If the numbers work out like I think they will, I should be at least 1.5 lbs lighter next week. We shall see.

Miscellany

Ignore any typos you might encounter in this post--I'm having trouble lifting my arms to the keyboard without getting all trembly. I did an upper body weights thing this afternoon, and went a little buck wild with the arms. And shoulders. And possibly abs, though I don't really feel those yet.

Today is a rest day on the schedule, so that's all I'm doing. It's been a while since I did much upper body work, so I am seriously weak. Mostly 5-lb weights today, though I did some body-weight/gravity stuff (tricep dips, pushups). I did go up to 8-lb dumbbells for the chest exercises and deadlifts, because I couldn't really feel them otherwise. (I may feel them later. :P) I tried to do at least 2 sets of 12 on every muscle group above my waist, and with a 10-minute warmup walk, I was in the gym 40 minutes. Not bad.

Last night was my hills ride, the hardest part of which was finding a satisfactory set of hills that I could both drive to and complete 11 miles on before dusk. I ended up driving into the Woodlands, parking at the Kroger, and doing some looping (map from that awesome gMaps Pedometer). Flintridge had some decent inclines going southeast from Kuykendahl, and I had my fill of hill work by the time I got to Gosling. I still pushed the intensity in intervals on the way back to my car, but there weren't any significant inclines once I left that stretch of road. I hope this hill workout gets easier as time goes on, because the hills in Montgomery (where the century route will be) are going to kill me if it doesn't. They're not really much steeper than the ones on Flintridge, but they are longer. Or, at least, I remember them being longer when I did the 40-mile course last year. Eternal, even. :)

Per the bike computer, the total distance was 11.15 miles, which I completed in just under 47 minutes. My heart rate stayed within my acceptable ranges...I think the highest number I saw was 174, and my average was 153. Cadence was 65-85ish rpm. On the steepest of the inclines, it slowed to around 55, and stayed in the low 60s for about half a mile afterward while my legs recovered. I think my gear was too high...I'm still having a hard time knowing when to shift, especially with mild rolling hills. I feel like I'm shifting all the damn time, so I don't shift for a while and wear myself out. I also forget to drink anything for up to 30 minutes at a time, which isn't the best. Both those things will come with practice, I guess.

Speaking of HR, though, I've been taking my resting rate in the morning these last couple days. I was surprised to find that it's higher than I thought it was. I had estimated it at 62 because I saw a low of 64 when I left my monitor on all afternoon at work a few weeks back. I figured my morning rate would be slightly lower than that. It's not, though--yesterday it was 70 bpm, and today it was 72. It doesn't make a whole lot of difference to my target ranges, but it still puzzles me that my HR would be lower in the afternoon than when I first wake up. I guess, from a cardiovascular perspective, I work harder when I'm asleep than I do in the office. That's my work life for ya--just a big ol' desk slug. :)

Not yesterday, though. The server that has become the bane of my existence crashed again, and I spent most of the day in a mild panic, restoring it to other hardware. Not from backup, though...oh, no, that would be too easy. Despite personally taking half a dozen additional backups of this server in the last 2 weeks for another project, I did not think ahead enough to actually keep any of them once they were no longer needed for the project. The official backup on tape didn't have the data I needed, either. Outdated documentation caused me to have to dig through help desk archives on the off-chance that I may have written one of the 20-odd printers' IP address somewhere in the notes. Luckily, I rock the keyword search, and everything was mostly fine by noon. I've spent most of today updating documentation, so it's never that hard to rebuild a flippin' print server again. (Paragraphs like this are the reason I don't talk about my job much here. Even the crises make snoreworthy reading.)

So anyway, nothing else to report. Eating has not been exceptionally bad or good, and water consumption has been lower than I'd like. I'm hoping to lose about a pound at Friday's weigh-in, but the numbers have been falling damnably slow this week. I'll take whatever I can get, I guess. With 3600 calories in exercise alone, though, I'd better see something.

oh, the sweet, flat accent of home

I have a Saris Bones bike rack for my car, which I've had for...3 years? 4? Ever? I don't know. Anyway, about 2 years ago I lost one of the little black plastic tightener screw thingies. Every time I've gone into a bike shop since then, I've asked about getting a replacement part. Every time, they tell me that they don't keep spare parts on hand, but I can call Saris and they'll send me some under the lifetime warranty. I've heard this spiel at least half a dozen times in the past two years, because I go to the bike shop so infrequently that I forget the answer between visits.

To this day, I'm still operating one screw shy of a full set. Mostly because the thing is still pretty stable without it, but also because I hate, hate, HATE calling customer service on anything...or calling anyone for anything, really. Not a big fan of the telephone, am I.

So, since the value of the bike I carry on the back of my car just tripled, I decided to get over the hate and call Saris today. I went to their website to grab the phone number, and noticed that they're based in Madison, WI. This made me smile, because I haven't been to my home state for nearly 6 months and I miss it.

Anyhoo, got the number, placed the call. Was utterly delighted to find that their entire automated routing system was voiced by a girl with the most awesome Wisconsin accent ever. I was on hold for maybe 3 minutes, then got to talk to a customer service rep who sounded like every boy I grew up with. I told him my problem, he got my address (Pronouncing "road" back to me with that inimitable midwestern 'o'), and told me that they would send a few of the screws out to me tomorrow. This whole call, which I had been putting off for years, was totally pleasant and took less than 5 minutes. Based on the ease of this call (and the overall quality of their stuff), I highly recommend you go out and buy a Saris product right now.

Sigh. Homesickness takes such weird forms sometimes. I can't wait till September.

the more things change...um, the more things change.

A few months ago (I'd link, but I'm lazy), I made a proclamation that I would not run outside in temperatures over 80 degrees. At the time, I was used to running in 60s, and running in 80-degree weather seemed downright masochistic. Then May rolled around, and I begrudgingly started running in the 80s. One time, I even ran in the high 80s, but freaked out a little when my hands swelled enough to stretch the skin.

This week, it's been high 90s every day. I think this is a large part of the reason my exercise was so sporadic--I couldn't handle the heat, and indoor exercise can only go so far before I want to weep big fat tears of boredom. Mostly, I just sat around in the A/C and prayed for rain.

Last night, we got it! Great, pounding torrents of rain, for a couple hours. The temperature dropped into the 70s before sunset, and it was heavenly. This morning when I left for work, it was 74. According to my weather gopher, it is now 79.

Of course, now all I can think is, "man, I wish I could run." Because, you know, it's only 79 degrees!

Baader-Meinhof phenomenon

Back when I used to live in Wisconsin, I used to read the St. Paul paper every once in a while, mostly for their "bulletin board" column. It's basically a column of reader submissions...I don't know how to better explain it (online here, may require registration, bugmenot). Anyway, one of the regular categories there is something they call the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon. I'm not really sure how they started calling it that, because I suspect it was before my time. (When I google Baader-Meinhof, I get a German terrorist group, so whatever.) Basically, a bulletin-board Baader-Meinhof phenomenon is when you encounter something for the first time in your life, and then see other references to it immediately thereafter.

The reason I mention this is that I just had a Baader-Meinhof experience with the Nalgene bottle.

It started with reading this post, with the tiny comment at the end about the dishwasher ruining her Nalgene cap. Of course, this got me wondering what a Nalgene bottle was, so I followed the link and was enlightened. Also...ooooh, shiny.

Then I went to FitJulie this morning, read about her water goal, and was surprised to see her mention owning "two Nalgenes". I went 31 years without hearing a single reference to a Nalgene bottle, and then twice in one day? It's gotta be fate or something.

So naturally, I must have one RIGHT NOW. Good thing there's an REI on my way home.

it's all about the little things

Today seems to be the day for non-scale validations...I just had another one.

On my last couple strength days, I've been using the "fit test" option on the treadmill to do my warmup, because it's short and easy to set up. It's a 5-minute thing, 1 minute warmup and then 4 minutes at a 5% incline. The test gives you a choice of 4 speeds--2, 3, 4, and 4.5 mph. I always choose the 3 mph version.

The last two workouts before this one, the test pegged my fitness level as "average". Today, I reached the end of the workout and expected the same result. This is what I got:

"HEART RATE TOO LOW--USE 4.0 MPH SPEED--PRESS START TO BEGIN 4-MIN FIT TEST"

Heart. rate. too. low.

I didn't go up to 4.0 mph and do it again, because I wanted to get to the weights right away and get back to my %&$! presentation. I imagine if I had, though, it would have put me in the "poor" fitness category. My HR still doesn't do very well with the speeds above 3.8 or so, especially on an incline. Still, I've beaten 3.0! If this were a video game, I'd totally be going on to the next level.

Just call me General American

This is weird, because the last one of these I took, I was 70+% dixie. The 10% upper Midwestern doesn't surprise me a bit, though...dontcha know. :)

Found here.

beware the deadlift

I did this strength routine yesterday. Most things I did two sets of 10-15 with weights between 3 and 10 lbs, and I traded walking lunges for the assisted lunges. Squats were done without the stability ball, and with 8-lb dumbbells on my shoulders. I did one set of pushups from the wall and one on the floor, and I did 3 sets of 12 on the abs (1 crunches, 1 reverse crunches, 1 with twisting).

Overall, I think it went pretty well. I felt everything where I was supposed to feel it, and I'm pleasantly sore today. Except for one thing--the deadlifts. I've never really done much with deadlifts, and since I was alone in the workout room yesterday I couldn't really ask anyone if it looked like I was doing them right. It certainly didn't feel like I was doing them right. I was expecting it to be a hamstring exercise, and the only place I felt it was in my lower back. I stopped after one set, because I was afraid that I might be doing more harm than good if my form wasn't right (not that you can really do much harm lifting a flippin' stability ball, but you know what I mean).

By the time I finished my recovery walk last night, though, I was beginning to think that maybe I hadn't been doing the deadlifts so badly after all. By the end of Without a Trace, I was sure of it. And this morning, when my hamstrings were screaming at me with every step, I thought that maybe I did work them a little harder than I thought.

Now, I know that the deadlifts weren't the only exercise in there that worked the hamstrings...the squats, the lunges, even the walking worked them, I'm sure. But the deadlifts were the only thing that was really supposed to target them specifically, and I was sure that I wasn't doing them right. But I guess maybe I was, after all.

Also, ow.

carbolicious

in case you haven't noticed, my carb ratios have been kind of high these last couple days. I didn't do it on purpose, and not all of those carbs were "bad". Some of them were (*cough*jelly doughnut*cough*), but for the most part they came from things like dairy and fruit, with occasional pasta and rice. Not sugar, is my point.

Regardless, I think I can see the effect of that carbohydrate balance on my hunger level and cravings. It hasn't been out of hand, but I have been hungrier in the afternoons and evenings. Sometimes my hands shake if I don't eat lunch at my normal time, or say, bike for an hour before dinner. And that insane desire to drink the entire half-gallon of chocolate milk? I'm pretty sure that was the carbs talking. (No, I didn't do it...but I reeeeally wanted to) The higher calorie counts of the last two days and the higher number on the scale today are also duly noted.

I'm not sure what my point is exactly. I guess I just wanted to record it so that I remember why I like to keep the carbs around 100-150 grams. Things just work out better that way.

I figure all I need is a lobotomy and some tights

You know that scene in The Breakfast Club? The one where Andy the jock just keeps taking more and more stuff out of his lunch bag and the rest of the group is staring at him like they can't believe that he eats that much food?

I feel like that every morning as I unpack my bags in my office. I mean, I have an office to myself, so it's not like anyone's watching and sneering, but I always feel a little silly as I lay it all out on my desk. Today it was a yogurt, a banana, a cup of strawberries, a packet of trail mix, and 3 bottles of water. Oh, and the Lean Cuisine I dropped off at the cafeteria freezer.

All this preparation, just so I can resist the seductive whisper of the vending machine in the afternoons.

specious math

Okay, so I lost half a pound this week. This is extremely good news, considering I was on vacation part of that time and didn't have a single day below 1900 calories all week. As is my custom with extremely good news, I've spent my spare time this morning dissecting it to bring forth metabolic rates that are too good to be true, and that experience will disprove in the very near future.

That said, the numbers? They please me. :)

Per fitday, my total daily calorie intake last week was 16,575. My total calorie burn through exercise was 2,657. If I subtract burn from intake, I get 13,918. Divide that by 7, that's 1,988 net calories in per day.

Scientists say it takes a 3500-calorie deficit to lose a pound, right? So, if I lost half a pound last week, then it stands to reason that my deficit was around 1750 calories, or 250 calories per day. If I add that to the 1988, I should get the number of calories I burn in an average, idle day--2,238.

2,238. Even though fitday has been telling me for weeks that I burn 2198 calories doing "background activities", that still boggles my mind. After trying to eat 1200-1400 per day for so long, I just can't get my head around that number. Of course, I can't really etch my resting metabolic rate in stone based on those calculations. However, I think I can safely say that I have a straight-up normal metabolism for someone my age. (What this says about the way I was treating my body 3 years ago...don't even want to think about that.)

So, with this gloriously average metabolism I have, I would need a net calorie intake of 1740ish to lose a pound a week. Considering my current workout schedule burns around 300-400 calories per day, I could eat an average of 2000 calories per day and still see those results. A 1500-1700 calorie average should get me 1.5-2 lbs per week.

There are a lot of other variables, naturally--nutrition, how much water I'm drinking, whether I'm getting enough sleep, just to name a few. However, if these numbers wind up being even close to true, do you have any idea how happy that makes me? It means that all this time I've been feeling guilty for setting my daily calorie goal so high (1600 officially, though I usually hit 1700-1800), I've actually been setting a better target than I thought. I thought I was being stubborn and gluttonous, but it turns out that my instincts may have been right all along.

Of course, if these numbers turn out to be a fluke, I'll deny that I ever posted this. ;)

weekend roundup

To say that I ate too much this week would be a gross understatement. The scale still looks pretty good, but I'm not anticipating anything better than a maintain tomorrow. I mean, I ate barbecue buffet yesterday. I'm not sure it was totally worth it, but it was nice at the time. And I didn't eat my weight in brisket or anything...though I can't say there wasn't pie involved. Substantial amounts of pie.

Anyway, probably maintaining this week, which isn't the end of the world. Other than the eating, this weekend was pretty good. The furniture was delivered, and looks really nice in our living room even though all our old furniture is still languishing in the back of the room until we can store it elsewhere. Rob's mom's church Easter cantata was nice, and it was nice to be a guest at church for a change. Got nearly all the laundry done, scrubbed the catroom floor, vacuumed the house.

I did get a bike in the 7:00 spin class this week, and while it was hard, my heart rate stayed lower this week than the last time I did the class. I didn't hit the 180s even once. Or the high 170s, for that matter. I think my highest HR was 174, and that was right after a standing climb. I am really starting to get a feel for the levels of exertion I need to keep my HR in the right ranges.

Speaking of the right ranges, I'm not totally sure what those are anymore. I've given up on my monitor's "OwnZone" calculation, because I didn't RTFM before I started using it, and I'm not totally sure what I need to do to calculate it. I know it's a 5 minute fit test, but I think there's a gradual increase in exertion level involved. At any rate, it was consistently setting my target zone about 20 bpm lower than I thought it should be, or even than it should be for my age. So I've turned it off, and now I just operate in a 120-170 target range.

Target ranges seem to be pretty subjective, anyway. For my age (31), the M32 sets my target range at 126-161. During the average OwnZone calculation, it was setting between 110-140 and 125-155. After reading Kristi's latest post, I went to the target zone calculator on Polar's website, plugged in my morning resting rate, and it gave me 139-177 (60-90%) as my target range. So, um, which is it guys? To get my 120-170, I just sort of carved out a chunk in the middle of all of them, and that seems to be working for me for now.

Have I mentioned Friday's C-to-5k 20 minute run yet? No? Well, I ran 20 minutes straight on Friday, and it was solidly "not that bad". :) I took it pretty slowly (4.5 mph) and on the treadmill, so my heart rate stayed under control. By about 8-10 minutes into it, I had a good rhythm going and was even able to zone out a little bit. I'm repeating week 5 this week, so today is 5-3-5 minute intervals again. I think for this week's 20 minute run, I'm going to try it on the track...weather be damned. I've got to learn to run in the heat sometime, right?

Well, I'd better get back to work now. I should really get something accomplished before noon.

waterfall

Monday's weight: 191.5
Wednesday's weight: 184.5

So, do you think maybe I was a little bloated? :)

I hope this means that TOM is forthcoming, because the home test says I'm not pregnant. I got one of those early results ones, too, so it would have shown up by now. If I don't see any change by mid-month, I'm going to have to see a doctor. I hate going to the doctor.

But hey--7 lbs in 3 days! Now if I can just lose a little fat, that would be sweet.

so far, so good

It's only been a day and a half, but the new plan's going pretty well so far. I only ate 5.5 non-core points yesterday, and 4.5 so far today. (It would be more than that if I wasn't including nuts and flavored non-fat yogurt in my core list, but I am.) I have 4.5 non-core points today so far, and will probably end up with about 8-10 at the end of the day. The APs from the sculpting class will counteract about half of them, though, and I'm still completely on track.

What's always surprising to me when I start a plan like this is how easy it is at first. I started with eggs this morning, had a yogurt and some pistachios around 9:30, coffee, and decided not to go out for lunch because I wasn't really hungry. I had my apples and peanut butter (my non-core points) snack instead. I may eat my rosemary chicken lean cuisine after the workout, if I'm hungry then. I might even count it as core, since it does have the brown rice. Sure, you could call that cheating, but I like to call it "adapting". Potayto, potahto. :)

Of course, part of my contentment with this plan is that it's working. Those 4 lbs I gained? Gone. Yes, I knew they were just water weight, and it probably wasn't eating on-plan yesterday that did it, but it's nice to see them disappear nonetheless. Now I can start breaking new ground this week. Or new since last week, anyway...it'll be a long time before I'm breaking into the truly virgin territories.

The most boring iPod post ever

You know, before I bought my iPod mini, I agonized over which color I wanted. By the time I got into a position to order, I had it narrowed down to silver, green, or blue, but I still could not decide. So I asked Rob, and he said blue. So blue it was.

She arrived a month later, it was love at first sight, and I named her Minnie because I'm unimaginative like that. At that time, she was the only mini I had ever seen besides the pink one on display at the apple store. (At the time, I hadn't yet developed my obsession with all things pink.) In the past few months, I have seen all three of the colors I was considering, and I have to say...blue was the right choice.

Green isn't nearly as pretty in person (and seems to clash with just about everything), and Rob's silver one (whom I now think of as Mickey, though I never call it that out loud--I don't think Rob's going to name it) is not as cute as Minnie either. It looks sort of institutional...like a stainless steel table. Safe, functional, but maybe a tad boring. Mickey does have the scratchlessness going for it, though, since it hasn't been dropped a hundred times like Minnie has.

So anyway, glad I went with the blue. She has a cheery way about her, yet is subdued enough to coordinate well with all my workout clothes. Yay!

Though, if Apple ever made a red or purple iPod, I'd totally cheat on her.

Exhibit #3,584,962 proving I might be sort of weird

This post about Chef Boyardee at the Donut made me think about something that's been bugging me for a while.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that I HATE Chef Boyardee. It makes me gag. If I'm going to eat processed pasta, it's Spaghettios all the way.

That aside, you know that commercial? The one where the mom and the little girl are in the grocery store? No? Well, the plot goes a little something like this: Mom and Girl walking the processed pasta aisle at the supermarket, and Girl picks up a can of Chef Boyardee. Mom says, "No, honey, we've had Chef every night this week." Girl says, "But I love Chef." Being a obedient girl, though, she puts the can back on the shelf. After they have walked away, the can rolls off the shelf and follows them through the store...then into the parking lot and down the highway, and eventually into their house. Cut to the inside of the house, where Girl is sitting on the floor in the family/living room doing...something, and Mom calls from the kitchen, "What do you want for dinner?" Just then, the stalker can of "Chef" rolls into Girl's leg, she picks up the can, looks at it, and smiles knowingly. End of commercial.

Now, I have a few problems with this.

1. "We've had Chef every night this week." Seriously? Who's running that house? Because I'm telling you...it must be a cold week in hell if I serve canned pasta every night for a week. Sure, I work all day, I'm not even all that fond of cooking, and Noah does have a deep and abiding love for Spaghettios...but EVERY NIGHT? Sure, it's got all those vitamins injected into it, so it's sort of quasi-healthy. But...every night?! Besides which, that mom doesn't have the sort of figure one would associate with someone who eats canned spaghetti regularly.

2. "Chef." "Chef?" I do not know a single person who calls Chef Boyardee "Chef". If it's nicknamed at all, we shorten to the type of mushy pasta that's actually in the can--"ravioli", "spaghetti", etc. Is this like UPS's moronic plan to make everyone call them "brown"? Because I hate that too.

3. "What do you want for dinner?" Okay, you were just at the grocery store, lady. That was probably a question you wanted to cover there. Didn't you go in with some kind of plan? At the very least, something looked good while you were there. Surely you bought ingredients that you could throw together into some semblance of a meal. Though maybe I'm projecting here...this is a woman who had "Chef" every night that week, after all.

4. The cliffhanger ending. So many unanswered questions. Okay, Girl's smiling at the can of "Chef", so presumably she is going to suggest to her decision-impaired mother that they should have Chef Boyardee again. Um, didn't Mom put the kibosh on that plan while they were at the store? That's going to go over well. Not. Especially since they didn't actually BUY the "Chef". This is how I like to imagine the resulting conversation would go:

Girl brings can of pasta into kitchen.

"How about this?"
Mom sighs. "No, I already told you at the sto--Wait! Where did you get that?! We didn't buy any! Did you steal it?!"
"Um, no...it just bumped into my leg just now." Tears well up in her eyes.
"It bumped into your leg? From where?"
"In the living room. I don't know...it was just there."
"What, it just followed us home all by itself, eh?! Don't lie to me!"

After that, Girl probably bursts into tears, and Mom sends her to her room to think about why it's wrong to steal a can of craptastic pasta from the supermarket. (If everyone stole "Chef", you see, the grocers would lose money and then have to raise their prices to compensate, and therefore it hurts us all.) And despite being completely innocent, Girl goes to her room as she's told, spending a miserable evening crying and wondering if she's crazy. The neighbors hear the yelling and the crying, call CPS...well, maybe I've gone a bit too far here.

At the very least, Girl has some serious 'splaining to do.

quicknotes

*It's not just the work treadmill. It's any treadmill. I need to just say no. I burn more calories on the precor anyway.

*My cycling shoes** arrived yesterday! Now I just need to buy some SPD cleats, and I'm all set to use the clipless pedals at the spinning class Saturday.

*The mystery smell from a couple days ago? It was my gym bag. Gross, I know...but I was wearing my running shoes when I hung the Christmas lights back in December, and our front flowerbed is used as a...um, how shall we say...depository for the neighborhood strays. The dirt there is positively stinkadelic. The shoes had been aired out since then, but apparently had transferred their stench to the inside of my gym bag. It wasn't really noticeable until I moved the bag. Or took something out of the bag. Or dropped it on the floor in my office. I'm now using a different bag until laundry day. But at least I know it wasn't phantosmia, or any of our cats using my clothes as a litter box. Both of those would have been much more disturbing.

*You'll be happy to know that the Clomid worked as expected. If my basal temperature is to be believed, ovulation has come and gone. I haven't wanted to kill anyone for days, either, which I'm sure my family appreciates. However, being no-patience me, I want to take a pregnancy test, like, right now. I'm making myself wait until March, because it really wouldn't be able to detect anything until then anyway.

*I'm going to try to work out twice today. I've got a church meeting tonight on the office side of town, so I'm going to go straight there after work. Since I drive right past a 24-hour fitness on the way home, and I don't have to rush to pick up Noah, I'll hit the elliptical after the meeting. Since I'm kind of light with the fitness points at work this month too, I'm also going to try to do a quick thing over lunch. With the way my hips and knees feel today, though, I'm going to have to be careful with overdoing it on the legs. Oh, and as noted above, ABSOLUTELY NO TREADMILL.

*I've been reading a book on time management, since I am horrendously bad at it. I've gotten through chapter 2 (or is it 3?) that suggests recording all your to-dos in one place, and treating time as a...something. Commodity? No. Resource? No. Dammit. I can't think of the word the author used, but the point was to think of time as finite, assess how long your daily activities really take, including travel time, prep time, personal quirks, etc. Then schedule everything. To this end, I have bought a day planner. And unlike previous day planners I've had, I'm actually using this one. It's gone pretty well so far. Except that I didn't really schedule writing this post, so it sets the rest of my day back a bit. Though, now that I look at it, I didn't have anything scheduled from 10-12. Score!

UPDATE: The name of the chapter was "Making Time Tangible". Tangible. Oh, thank God I finally remembered, it was driving me crazy.

*Speaking of the day planner...it tells me today is Ash Wednesday. My residual Catholicism is kicking in and telling me to give something up for Lent. I haven't decided what.

*Eating has been pretty good this week. After 3 pm is always a challenge for me, but my theme this week has been planning ahead. I went a little off plan last night, but trying to stick with it today. One day at a time, and all that.

**These, in case you were wondering. They're not exactly great as road shoes, but they were relatively cheap, and the recessed cleat means I can walk around the gym in them after the spin class. I'm not even sure I'll like being locked into the pedals, so I didn't want to invest in some schmancy road shoes that I'll use twice and then throw in the back of the closet.

like if you microwaved a diaper, kind of

I keep smelling this smell. For the past two days, it's hit me every couple of hours, and I can't really figure out where it's coming from. I'm a little afraid it's me, but I can't imagine what on my person would smell like that.

Yesterday, it was in the master bedroom. Noah was in there watching cartoons, and I walked out of the bathroom to an odor. "What's that smell?"

"What smell?"
"You can't smell it?"
"I can't smell anything." (Noah has some allergy troubles...perennially stuffy nose.)
"You really don't smell that? It's like...hot pee."
"Nope."

I walked back into the bathroom, then back out again. There it was again. I looked around the doorway, sniffed some stuff around it. Couldn't locate it. Sniffed my hair, my clothes. All fine. WHAT WAS THAT SMELL?!

After a couple minutes, I left the room and the smell went away. I forgot about it until this morning. Then, in the car, I smelled it again. What the hell? I checked the floorboards, under the seats, even checked my breath and freshly-washed hair. It wasn't me, but I couldn't find it in the car either. Drove to work.

NOW IT'S IN MY OFFICE. It comes and goes, not always in the same room, and though the evidence suggests it's something I'm carrying with me, I can't find the source here either. I'm beginning to think I'm a wee bit insane.

So, can YOU smell it?

is it just me?

Does anyone else get sort of a feverish feeling mid-afternoon on on-plan days?

It doesn't happen all the time...but when it does, it's usually on days when I've eaten less than 15 points before 3 pm and worked out over lunch. All afternoon my face is hot and I get chills and/or hot flashes. Usually chills. Like today--it's 70 degrees in here, I'm wearing two sweaters, and I've got goosebumps.

I'm wondering if this happens to anyone else, or if it's just another sign of my body's extreme messed-upedness.

full speed ahead

I'm hesitant to even post this, for fear that I'll completely blow it at any moment, but I'm doing very well today with the fitness thing. I've only eaten 15 points, and the dinner I'm planning for tonight is only 3 points (3!). I could have a snack this afternoon if I wanted, but I don't really. It's only 2:30, and I've already worked out for the day. And since I did it at work, I've chalked up my first fitness point for the quarter.

So far, this is feeling a lot like a February day in 2003. You know, after I had gotten into the groove and before I lost all my motivation? I had sort of forgotten what that was like.

Well, here's hoping I can stick with it the rest of the day. Damn the torpedoes, and all that.

apropos of nothing

holy shit! I have Puff the Magic Dragon on my iPod! A live version. Complete with kids singing along. How the hell did that happen? What playlist did I put THAT on? How embarrassing.

The first and last time I put the entire library on shuffle play.

music notes

Song that doesn't seem like good workout song, but is:

Tennessee Flat-top Box - R0sanne Cash It has a surprisingly good precor beat. Though if your headphones are up too loud, you get looks...like maybe you wandered a little too far from the trailer park.

Song that seems like a good workout song, but isn't:

One Week - B@renaked Lad1es Try as I might, I can never catch the beat on this one. It's either going too fast or too slow all the time, and it has that weird meter thing that I was trying to explain earlier.

My current favorite workout songs:

Punk Rock Girl - Dead Milkmen
Shake Ya Tailfeather - Murphy Lee, Nelly, et. al.
The Fox - Nickel Creek
Dream Vacation - Gear Daddies
My Band - D12
Toxic - Britney Spears

I'm probably going straight to hell for those last two, but My Band makes me laugh, and--as I've mentioned before--Toxic is just damn catchy.

UPDATE: Edited to prevent googling from dumbass rabid fans.

...and don't come back for 5-7 days!*

You can't really tell it from here, because I haven't been posting much, but I'm feeling irritable lately. I'm tired all the time, overemotional, liable to completely lose my shit over something stupid at any moment.

For days now, I've been saying things like, "I don't understand why I'm so tired" and "Don't touch me" and "Will you please, for the LOVE OF GOD, sort the forks by size and design when you put them away".

I've also burst into tears over a song on the radio, thrown a quart of ice cream (It's light! Dreyer's Light!) across the kitchen because I couldn't make the frozen pizzas fit in the freezer, gotten 4 new zits, and eaten more than my normal quota of chocolate and/or grease-based products. I haven't felt gym-worthy since last Thursday.

Now, as the passive observer, what does this collection of events sound like to you? Go ahead, you can say it. (Even if you're male and you've been told never to diagnose it EVER...)

Yep, sounds like PMS to me, too.

The funny part is, I never see it coming. The dawning always comes after...I'll get my TOM and go, "ooooooooh....that's why I threw the cat and cried for 3 hours the other day!"

This time, I've even been taking a pill for the past 5 days to induce TOM, and it never occurred to me until about 15 minutes ago that all this irrational crap I've been dealing with for the exact same length of time was somehow related to said pill.

Then I saw a question about progesterone's effects on weight loss over at the donut forums, and decided to see how it affected me last year while I was on provera. What I found were posts about how tired and irritable I was, how much everything SUCKS, and how I could not stop eating crap food. And a weigh-in where I gained 2 lbs. Hmm...call me crazy, but I think maybe I'm seeing some parallels here.

It's these times that I am most grateful for the archives here. They remind me where I've been, so that I can get a clue what the hell is going on when I end up back there again. At least this time around, I'm 25-ish lbs. lighter. Still just as big a bitch, though, unfortunately. At least I know that it will all be better in a week or so.

*My Girl

the heck you say

a non-fat grande caramel macchiato is 5 points? Criminey. It wasn't even that good.

playing with my new toy

According to my McDonald's stepometer, a trip to and from the restroom is 95 steps. If the pamphlet that came with the toy is to be believed, that means that I have walked about 1/5th of a mile today just to pee. Go me!

weight loss, or lack thereof

Okay, I just have to say it. I've been holding back, trying to be optimistic, trying to put a positive spin on it, but...

GOD DAMN, WHAT'S A GIRL GOTTA DO TO LOSE A POUND AROUND HERE?!

I logged everything I ate last week. Everything. The grand total at the end of the day yesterday was 212.5 points for the week. Let's throw in 7.5 points for possible inaccuracies, and that's 220. 220/7= [30-second pause to type "calc" in the Run... box] 31.4 points per day. Let's round that up to 32, times 50 calories per point...1600 calories per day, give or take. And that doesn't even take into account any exercise (of which there was precious little anyway--oops).

According to this BMR calculator, my base metabolic rate should be around 1610 calories per day. Which means that I burned 70 calories more than I ate this week by doing NOTHING AT ALL.

Now, science tells us that I would have had to burn 3430 more calories than that to lose a pound this week. So I ran my average numbers through the same calculator--8 hours per day sitting on my ass in front of the computer, 2 hours/day puttering around, 30 minutes doing anything remotely strenuous. It set my energy requirements at over 2700 calories per day. Which is, of course, a huge lie, but let's just suppose, for the sake of argument, that it might really be around 2000 calories. 2000 - 1600 = 400 * 7 = 2800/3500 = 0.8 lbs.

Science tells me I should have lost over half a pound this week, and damn it, I want it. THE WORLD OWES ME THAT HALF POUND.

Am I outrageously bloated? Do I need to go back to a low-carb diet? Do I? Come on, body, what's a girl gotta do?

-------------------------------
This is all in jest, of course. I've been doing this long enough that I know that the math doesn't always work out.

I really just want to order my iPod, and I have told myself that I cannot order it until I break 180. I figure, at the rate I'm going, it will take the 6-weeks ship time to get to 176 from there. And that it will take me till July to get to 180.

Sigh. Enough with the whining, back to the working.

maybe this time...

I'm back down to 180.5 again today. There are still 4 days before I weigh in. If I can stay on task for 4 more days, I may be able to post my lowest weight in at least 6 years. Maybe I'll even break out of the 180s, finally.

That's a big if, though. This is the day of the week the derailment usually begins...on Friday, the wheels start to get a little shaky, the cars start to shudder, and by Sunday, there's bits of weight-loss train all over the countryside. I can usually get it back together by Tuesday, but by then it's just too late. There's weigh-in Wednesday, and the cycle begins anew.

Recognizing the pattern is the first step, I guess...the problem is, that's as far as I ever seem to get. I recognize it every week. I've recognized the hell out of it. Why, then, can't I do something about it?

I guess it's the same block that I have about everything else. I'm very good at planning things, down to the minutest of detail. I'm good at writing out the plan, at making to-do lists, at writing endless missives about how "this time, it's going to be different." It's not just about weight loss--I've tried to commit to better financial strategies (ie, not spending every penny I make and then some), better work ethic, stronger spiritual life, going back to college, trying to write a book (or anything of value or marketability)...it all ends the same. It's like there's this huge wall between thoughts and action. A wall of fear.

Someone once gave me a quote that went something like "Change will happen at the point where the pain of staying the same exceeds the pain of change." (The actual quote was more eloquent than that...I just don't remember it exactly.) That imbalance of pain is what started this journey back in January of 2003. Looking back on old journal entries, I've crossed that point maybe a dozen times since then, and yet I keep jumping back to the other side and crossing it again. And it's always the same pain, always the same promises, the same failures, the same recommitment. Each time it's less extreme, and each time it's easier to get back on track, but why can't I just get over it permanently?

I guess it's because I'm a perfectionist at heart. I don't want to be just good with money--I want to do exactly the right things with it. I don't want to be a good network administrator--I want to be the best in the department. It's not enough to go back to college--I want to make sure I choose exactly the right path this time around. It's not enough to publish a book, or even a book that sells--if I'm going to write something, I want to write something good. I don't want to be kind of healthy--I want to be perfectly healthy.

When you combine that perfectionism with procrastination, natural impatience, and an almost debilitating fear of failure and/or rejection, it's a recipe for disaster. I think I should be perfect RIGHT NOW, and I'm afraid I can't be, so why even start?

Sigh. The story of my life.

one house, good friends, and the balance of life

Well, we're down to one house now. The movers came and took all well, most of my stuff out of the westside house on Saturday. Then I spent the day arranging and merging our two sets of furniture, and watching the kids at the northside house while Rob, Kat, Dale, and Tina did repairs on the other one. I fully intended to go over there and help after the movers were done moving my stuff in, but Rob and Dale decided that it would be better to have the kids (their two, our one) entertained and out of the way than it would be to have an extra pair of hands over there. So I stayed where I was, and totally felt like a slacker for doing so. After all, it was MY house they were going to work on. And Kat's the only one of them that actually lives (or has ever lived) there.

By the time they were done, the flowerbeds were cut back to non-jungle proportions and remulched (Tina), the rotted facia board was replaced (Dale), the tub was repaired (Dale & Rob), the house was cleaned (Kat), and Kat's furniture was moved in. While they were doing that, I rearranged furniture at the other house, corralled children and cats, unpacked some boxes, did a couple loads of laundry, took the kids to McDonalds, and let Rob walk me through putting in a trouble ticket with AT&T for his job since he didn't have access to a computer from there. I think I got the better end of the deal. I also think that when it comes to good friends, we hit the lottery.

So anyway, I pretty much abandoned my food log somewhere about the middle of Wednesday this week. I've eaten considerably more than 19 points, and the scale is showing it. I've buckled down today, though, and I plan to work out in the afternoon also (my first workout this week, sadly). Hopefully 3 24-point days will be enough to bring me back down to a maintain...maybe even a loss.

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Almost invariably, I follow a good week with an industrial-strength bad one. A part of me thinks that maybe I'm afraid to succeed. It's been 11 years since I was happy with my body, and at that time I was struggling with everything else. I didn't know who I was, or what I wanted to do. I was hanging out with kids 2-3 years younger than me, having an on-again, off-again "relationship" with a guy that I knew didn't give one tin shit about me. I tried to tell myself that I didn't care that he didn't care, because I didn't care about him either. It was an arrangement of mutual convenience--a girl has needs, after all. And then I got pregnant and, well, all my illusions were exposed for what they were. I still didn't want a real relationship with him, but I at least wanted him to care. He didn't.

And it was more than just him. I was failing out of college because I was bored. I felt trapped by my 4-year scholarship (I know, waaah, poor little rich girl), because I didn't want to go to that school anymore but couldn't really afford to go somewhere else. I spent more time writing angsty poetry in the coffee shop than I did in class. In that sense and many others, my pregnancy saved me. It was a way to get out and still save face. Dropping out because I was pregnant gave me an acceptable excuse, even noble. Sure, I had made an embarrassing mistake, but I was taking responsibility for it. I was dropping out to work more, so that I could support my baby. Of course it wasn't because I was a procrastinating slacker who hated school and was too scared to step out of the familiar and make things better, and never mind that I only upped my working hours by 10-12 per week anyway.

Three years, 3 majors, 2 schools, 2 jobs, and one degree later, my life was back on track and I had grown up a lot. I had moved to Texas, I was employed full-time, I had an apartment, a healthy kid, and a life. I also had 40 extra pounds, and that number was climbing. I felt successful and I was happy with how everything had turned out, but I was fat, and getting fatter every day.

So, to sum up...the last time I was thin, my life was a mess, my self-esteem was in the toilet, and just about the only thing I liked about my life was my body. Now, my life is stable, I'm reasonably confident, and just about the only thing I don't like about my life is my body. Could it be that, on some subconscious level, I'm afraid to mess with that balance?

Or it could just be that I'm on the low end of a decade (is that the right word?), and my progress always stalls there. It happened in the low 200s, it happened in the low 190s, and now it's happening in the low 180s. Maybe fear of the unknown is why it's happening every time, or maybe it's just chemistry. Who really knows, eh?

an observation

It is really hard to stay on plan when your inner fat girl is screaming "GIMME FAJITAS!" every few seconds. I'm just saying.

Now, what did I do with that water bottle? At 2 liters and counting, I'm hoping to drown her.

an observation

It is really hard to stay on plan when your inner fat girl is screaming "GIMME FAJITAS!" every few seconds. I'm just saying.

Now, what did I do with that water bottle? At 2 liters and counting, I'm hoping to drown her.

Rob is one lucky guy

I just made an observation!

I mentioned in the last post that I'm extraordinarily bitchy and unmotivated today, and want to do nothing but lay on my couch with all the food in the world at my fingertips (Well, maybe I didn't say it exactly like that...). This afternoon, two things occurred to me: 1. I've said this before, and pretty recently. 2. I'm having sort of regular cycles now.

One of the lovely things about posting something here nearly every day (even when I'm boring even myself) is that I can dig back through the archives and look for trends of more than just food and exercise. I've spent the past 20 minutes looking through the last 3 months of archives, and actually found a pattern.

1/12/04: I bitch about TOM not starting, and being bloated.

1/15/04: Got some random anger going on.

1/26/04: TOM starts.

2/9/04: I start bloating.

2/12/04: Bring on the bitchery. At least I had some clue as to the cause.

2/20s/04: Bitchery subsides.

3/4/04: This is the part where I get unnecessarily emotional about a burger.

3/9: Crash!

3/10: TOM starts.

3/22/04: Bloat.

3/23/04: Again burying the needle on the emotionometer.

So, to summarize, I have 6-week cycles, punctuated by bloating, increased appetite, decreased motivation, and crabbiness/depression at both two weeks after TOM and two weeks before the next one. Essentially, I seem to hit PMS twice per cycle. Woo!

The funny thing is, I hardly ever see it coming, really. I'm rocking along, feeling pretty good, staying on top of stuff, and then my world crashes and I can't figure out what went wrong. Then everything's back to normal for a week or so, I forget about the moodiness just in time for it to hit again. Then 2 weeks later, TOM hits and I say, "Ooooooh, that's why!"

Like I say, Rob is a lucky, lucky man. Couple months of marriage, I'm going to be living in a tent in the back yard 3 weeks out of six. Probably a red one.

Rob is one lucky guy

I just made an observation!

I mentioned in the last post that I'm extraordinarily bitchy and unmotivated today, and want to do nothing but lay on my couch with all the food in the world at my fingertips (Well, maybe I didn't say it exactly like that...). This afternoon, two things occurred to me: 1. I've said this before, and pretty recently. 2. I'm having sort of regular cycles now.

One of the lovely things about posting something here nearly every day (even when I'm boring even myself) is that I can dig back through the archives and look for trends of more than just food and exercise. I've spent the past 20 minutes looking through the last 3 months of archives, and actually found a pattern.

1/12/04: I bitch about TOM not starting, and being bloated.

1/15/04: Got some random anger going on.

1/26/04: TOM starts.

2/9/04: I start bloating.

2/12/04: Bring on the bitchery. At least I had some clue as to the cause.

2/20s/04: Bitchery subsides.

3/4/04: This is the part where I get unnecessarily emotional about a burger.

3/9: Crash!

3/10: TOM starts.

3/22/04: Bloat.

3/23/04: Again burying the needle on the emotionometer.

So, to summarize, I have 6-week cycles, punctuated by bloating, increased appetite, decreased motivation, and crabbiness/depression at both two weeks after TOM and two weeks before the next one. Essentially, I seem to hit PMS twice per cycle. Woo!

The funny thing is, I hardly ever see it coming, really. I'm rocking along, feeling pretty good, staying on top of stuff, and then my world crashes and I can't figure out what went wrong. Then everything's back to normal for a week or so, I forget about the moodiness just in time for it to hit again. Then 2 weeks later, TOM hits and I say, "Ooooooh, that's why!"

Like I say, Rob is a lucky, lucky man. Couple months of marriage, I'm going to be living in a tent in the back yard 3 weeks out of six. Probably a red one.

Bloaty McBloaterson

According to the scale today, I've gained another half-pound since Friday. What the hell?

I've been working out every day. I haven't eaten more than 30 points on any day except yesterday. I've been drinking plenty of fluids (slacking on the water a little over the weekend, but plenty to drink). My ring slides off and on easily, my pants are loose...everywhere but the waist. And my bra feels too small.

It's not close to that time of the month, so I don't understand what's going on here. I guess my diet's been pretty carb heavy, and I don't normally work out this much, so my muscles could be holding onto water because of that. But all the same, I really need this to work itself out before Wednesday. I've planned what I'm going to eat today, making sure that I stay at target (28) and drink enough water. Maybe the scale will be kinder tomorrow.

perspective

The other day (Wednesday, I think), I woke up, got dressed, and I happened to catch a glimpse of my full-length self in the mirror as I was leaving the bathroom. I stopped and studied my reflection for a second. Maybe it was the pants that actually fit, maybe it was the line of the sweater...but there was no doubt about it. I was having a skinny day. I walked out into the kitchen.

"Rob, do I look smaller to you today?"

I admit, this is a mean question to ask. If he doesn't think so, then there's no right answer. If he says yes, he's lying. If he says no, he risks hurting my feelings. Lose-lose. He looked me over and gave his assessment.

"I've been noticing it for a while, but yeah, you do look smaller today."

Good answer. :)

That whole day, I felt almost thin, and I took full advantage of that feeling. I left my cave office more than usual. I stopped to talk to people. I was more confident, and didn't worry about finding a dark corner of the locker room to change in when I went to work out.

This morning I didn't feel big or small, even though the scale told me that I was a pound heavier today than I was yesterday. It didn't get me down, because I knew that the gain was a side effect of the pizza and possibly the late workout yesterday. I was puzzled, though, because my clothes didn't fit any differently. My ring didn't stick when I took it off. Where was that weight?

As I was changing for the aerobics class this afternoon, I bent over to tie my shoes. Holy crap! I wished I had a tape measure, because it looked like my calves swelled four inches overnight. They looked the size of cabers (cabels? Those things that the guys throw in that one Scottish competition), I swear. I looked around to ask someone if my calves looked big to them, but then it occurred to me that no one in the room really cared about the state of my body--they were here to work on their own. I headed up the stairs to the workout room, hoping no one noticed the girl with the freakishly-huge legs. Through the whole class, I kept glancing at my legs and wishing I had brought long pants.

I've been thinking about it since then...all through lunch, and I still can't get it out of my head. It's funny how perspective changes. I'm exactly the same weight today as I was Wednesday, but my perception of that weight is totally different. And I'll bet if I asked a casual acquaintance, they wouldn't be able to see the difference in my size. So am I really any bigger today than I was Wednesday?

I think back to when I was 130-135 lbs. in high school. I thought I was huge then, too. Nothing fit right, my hips were gigantic, those "loose fit" jeans were tight on my gargantuan thighs. I was this chunky, disgusting pig and no one would ever love me. Now, I look at pictures of myself then and just want to travel back in time and tell my 15-year-old self that it was okay not to be a size 6. (But work on that hair, wouldja? That haircut is tragic, even for 1989. Those bangs!)

Then, I think back to the last time I was ever happy with my body. Middle of my 2nd year of college, I weighed 140 lbs--at least 5 lbs heavier than when I thought I was revoltingly huge. I know this, because I got pregnant about a month or so later, gained 28 lbs, and ended up at 168 in 9 months. (Figures, doesn't it?) My body, and my image of it, hasn't really recovered since.

I say that my goal in this journey is 135 lbs., but I've come to realize that's not really true. My true goal is that feeling of finally being satisfied with my body. Being able to look at myself in the mirror every day, and feel content with what I see. Ten years ago, that happened at 140 lbs. Who knows what the magic number will be this time? Or if it even exists at all?

Old Navy can kiss my fat ass

Yeah, so that bad mood? Not really going away.

I wore my old 38/30 Old Navy men's khakis to work today, but regretted it by 10:00. Without a belt, they fall down around my hips (which still hold them up quite well...sigh) and annoy me. With a belt, they bunch at the waist and annoy me. Which means that I cannot wear them anymore, and reduces my work wardrobe to 3 pairs of pants. Since there are five days in the work week and I hate skirts, I decided to go buy some new pants at lunch.

I went to Ross first, and managed to find one pair of work pants (14s!) that fit well enough that I would actually, you know, wear them to work. They're gray, though, and I was really in the market for khaki. Since I did not want to be in Ross for another single fucking minute, I paid for my gray pants and hoped for better luck at Old Navy.

Maybe it's just that one location, but they're worse than Ross when it comes to putting things in the correct order and/or the correct hangers. (And that's saying a lot.) It took me five full minutes to find one pair of size 16 regular khakis, I had to look at every tag on the rack to do it, and the pants were packed in so tightly that they were practically screaming. On my way through, I grabbed a 14 long, too, just to see what the fit was going to be like.

In the dressing room, the frustration grew. I tried on the 16s first, which fit fine through the hips and thighs, but were totally unflattering and gapped enough at the waist to carry a small child in the back of my pants. I tried on the 14s then, which fit fine at the waist but practically cut off circulation in the thighs. I stormed out of the store, mumbling about how Old Navy must design their clothes for theoretical fucking flat-assed stick people. Or something like that.

I mean, really. I know I have a big lower body. I know this. Even when I was a little thing, most of me was below the waist. It's in the genes--my grandmother, my cousins, my aunt, all pears. It's the reason that I don't think that my size will ever be below a 10, even if I get to where I can put someone's eye out with my hip bones (not planning to get there, btw). I'm totally fine with that. What I'm NOT totally fine with is the complete lack of cheap clothing designed with my ass and thighs in mind. I'm not made of money, here. Just once, I'd like to buy pants at Target or Old Navy that had room for my thighs without leaving nine yards of extra crotch and waistband. Just once.

That's all I'm sayin.

...should be round, and hard, and burst in your mouth at precisely the right moment...

I didn't think I liked grape tomatoes, because I never liked cherry tomatoes. It was the texture that bothered me...all seedy and sort of slimy.

As it turns out, the grape kind are different. Their texture is almost pleasant. To think I've been picking them off my salads all this time...

so, Joy, how was the class today?

My water bottle is really, really heavy. And please forgive any typos, since my arms shake with the effort of holding them parallel to the keyboard. Or even as I rest them on the desk. Also, there was some stuff with the hips and the ass that I'm sure I'll feel tomorrow. No squats or lunges, though--THANK GOD.

So, I'd say it was pretty damn good. Either that, or I'm really, super WEAK.

lessons learned

I have learned a few things about myself in the last 24 hours.

1. I cannot jog right now. I need to wait until I drop another 15-20 lbs, or my knees will probably explode.

2. I must not let myself get too hungry. It leads to bad things, like unplanned pizza binges.

3. While it may seem like a good idea to buy the mini-Reese's in the checkout line, it's really, really not. It doesn't matter that they're only a point each, if I can't eat just one. Stick with the Prias, Joy. Pria = good enough.

4. Clementines, while juicy and delicious, are not terribly filling. See also 2.

Let's just spend the rest of the week pretending that I have no more flexpoints, shall we? Hell, no need to pretend--it's practically true.

frequent weighing

When I was looking at my October weight chart again today, something occurred to me that I had missed before. In the places where the data dots were bunched close together, the line generally went down more than when the data dots were spaced further apart. Basically, I lost more when I was weighing more often.

Now, this is not really a cause and effect, as in "the more often I weigh, the more weight I lose." In fact, it's probably the opposite. My body knows how it's doing, and I tend to step on the scale less if I think that it's going to say something I don't like. It also shows a lack of motivation and desire to document, which was also evident when I stopped the diet and exercise logs here.

That said, I am going to start tracking my weight daily again. It's not so much because I think it will help me lose weight, but just because I would like to remember what happened between weigh-ins. How what I ate on Wednesday affected my weight on Friday, and what I can do to alter my habits. And who knows...maybe it will help keep my motivation up.

and now, a question

So, does anyone else yawn a lot when they're working out? Particularly on something monotonous that doesn't require a whole lot of thought?

Lately, I'm yawning constantly when I'm on the stationary bike or the treadmill. Maybe they're just getting stingy on the oxygen in the work fitness center, or something.

removing obstacles and other stuff

after eating the 5 that constitute a "serving" of Hershey's miniatures, I have thrown away the 14 that were left over. They were mostly Krackels anyway, my least favorite variety, so it was easier to see them go. I cannot have candy in my office...I'll even stoop to the Krackels if they're lurking within arm's reach, and there's no such thing as stopping at just one.

I feel so much better now that they're gone. If I can't resist the temptation, I'll just remove it. If I have to throw away a couple bucks' worth of candy, so be it. Better in the trash than on my ass.

Speaking of my ass (heh...nice segue..), I bought some underwear that were recommended to me in an earlier post. The Victoria's Secret Low-rise boyshort. They arrived in the mail yesterday, so I wore them today. The verdict? Pretty comfy...though they have an annoying tendency to creep...well, you know where. Maybe that will improve once my ass gets a little smaller, thus making the underwear cover more of it more securely. Overall, though, I like them. They don't pinch or bind anywhere, they don't stick out over my pants when I lean forward in the seat, and the microfiber is nice. It's almost like wearing nothing at all. Not that I've ever done that...at least, not in public.

Probably more than you wanted to know about my underwear, but hey--no subject is off limits here. :)

my generous, relaxed ass

I went shopping at Old Navy over my lunch hour, because I discovered this weekend that my closet is stocked entirely with clown pants. Not only that, but they're men's pants I bought over three years ago, and they don't say "hip, modern woman" so much as "ample-hipped woman eternally trapped in 1996".

So, just for kicks, I decided to shop on the women's side of the store today. For pants. It has been at least 3 years since I have been brave enough to do this. Shirts--yeah, fine. But pants are another matter. I've mentioned this before, but I am a pear. In about 5 inches of axis, I gain over a foot of circumference. This makes pants shopping a bit of a challenge. This is also aggravated by the fact that probably 75% of the weight I have lost has come off my upper body and thighs. My thighs are still huge, but they're smaller than they were (hence, clown pants).

Because of the shape of me, I have keywords that I keep an eye out for--"relaxed", "generous", "loose fit". The problem with these words is that they're not particularly flattering on the rest of my body. "Loose" hugs my hips and has room for my thighs, but leaves me with 5 extra inches of waist. The whole low-ride movement has been a blessing, except that I wear (*ahem* may be TMI) granny panties and I am forever trying to keep them from peeking out the back. I've thought about buying the custom pants from Land's End, but in the end it comes down to money. I'd rather spend $60 on three pairs of ill-fitting khakis than one pair of made-for-me chinos. This is the same reason I don't go to department stores and buy real clothes, like with designers and labels and stuff.

So anyway, back to Old Navy. I was in the market for work pants, and they had their trousers on sale. Woo! I grabbed some 16s and headed for the dressing room. On a whim, I also grabbed some "L"-sized shirts (as opposed to XL).

It was there that I realized that my hips and thighs are not yet a 16, except in the "relaxed" versions. My waist, however, is a 14 no matter what the cut. Which translates into my underwear hanging out the back of every pair of pants I tried on. Maybe if I was 17, or had any desire whatsoever to wear a thong, this would be fine. But since I am a 30-year-old suburban mom, I shopped for a belt. Old Navy is very tricky, too...they put their little "straight cut" or "relaxed fit" indications in small scripty print on the outer tags, so a couple times I accidentally tried on pants that showcased my every thigh ripple. Not a good self-esteem builder, let me tell you.

The good news, though, is that I did find a couple pairs of slacks that didn't make me look straight out of the trailer park, and all the shirts fit! That was a pleasant surprise, since I haven't worn a size large shirt since, oh, I don't know--sometime last century?

All things considered, it was a good trip. I have a couple more outfits to add to my work arsenal, even though I hope to grow (or shrink?) out of them quickly. And there's nothing quite like being surprised at how little your body has become. :)

knock on wood, quick

With less than 2 days left to go, I think I can safely say that I've had a fantastic on-plan week. I have 12.5 flex points left, and for me, that's absolutely amazing.

You know, it took me a while to warm up to the flexpoints system, but I'm really starting to love it. Seriously, I'd like to give the guy who thought this up a big hug and say "you know me--you really, really know me!"

Flex points plays to my psyche in a way that the old plan didn't. When I was given a 5-point range, my slacker self said that I can get away with the high end of that range. And then it quietly whispered that I can maybe go one or two over that range...and before I knew it, I was having 35-point days and not having the 22 point days to make up for them. But there was no guilt about it. It was kind of like running out of cash on hand and using the ATM card--It's still all MY money, right?

Following that analogy (flawed though it is), Flex points hits my brain like $24 cash per day and a credit card with a $35 limit that's paid in full each week. I feel guilty about using credit cards, since I know the interest charges will be piling up, and to use credit is to spend someone else's money. Not to mention that once you hit that credit limit, you're done. The card doesn't work anymore.

I guess I could have thought of the old plan the same way, but seeing that flexpoints bank dwindle affects me in a way that a negative bank didn't. It's working better, and I've got the results to prove it, finally. If I don't get crazy today or tomorrow, I should be able to see 188 or better Wednesday (I'm at 189 today, but I think it's bloat). That's at least 3 lbs this week! Do you know how long it's been since I had a 3 lb. loss in a week? Many, many moons (unofficial weigh-ins, since the end of July...official weigh-ins, since mid-May).

things I do for fun

Because I'm a big geek, I have this spreadsheet, see. The first column is dates, 2nd column is weight loss at my current rate per week. The next 6 columns are at different rates of loss, eg 1 lb/wk, 1.75 lbs/wk, etc. Then I plug in the numbers for the current week, and it calculates my weight on all subsequent dates. I call it daydream.xls. :)

Anyway, my current rate of loss is a pitiful 0.8 lbs/week. At this rate, I will be 176.1 on my 30th birthday, 166.5 at my wedding, and will reach goal on 1/5/2005. Ugh.

Here are some happier numbers, though:

At 1.5 lb/wk:

30th birthday: 163.5
Wedding: 145.5
Goal: 5/19/2004

At 2.5 lbs/wk:

30th birthday - 146.5
Goal - 2/11/2004 (before the wedding!)

Am I going to lose 2.5 lbs/week consistently, though? Hell no. Wish. ful. Thinking.

As it stands right now, I would have to lose between 1.75 and 2 lbs/week to make goal before the wedding. Doable, but not likely. If I'm really diligent over the next months, I could probably manage 1 per week, which would bring me to 160 by the wedding. Since my gown's design renders the shape of my most problematic areas (read: ass) irrelevant, this would be fine with me. Though I really would like to see 150 by then, at least.

running low

As of today, I have 1.5 flex points left for the week. Zoinks! Good thing there's just 2 days left. I see exercise in my future...

note to self

It was a very, very bad idea to buy the mini M&Ms. It was a worse idea to buy the little sugar bowl so you could have M&Ms on your desk. At least with the vending machine, you got a little bit of walking in. Oy.

root causes

I'm really okay with the 2-lb gain. I'm a little "huh?" about it, but I'm not too upset. There were a lot of contributing factors.

- My cycle is way screwed up, for one thing, and has been for most of July. I have no idea what week of the pill schedule I'm on, but I'm guessing probably week 2. I'm taking pills from week one, and only when I remember, which is skipping a day here and there. So it's no wonder that my weight chart for this month looks like the kiddie-coaster at Six Flags. :)

- And then there's all the exercise. It's still less than most of the people I read, but it's a lot for me. I've decided to get rid of the FBW lower body workouts and just incorporate the ab work from them into the FBW upper body workout. I think my lower body gets enough strengthening from the nearly-daily walking exercises. Not that any of this would prevent my 2-lb gain, but it's just a change I'm making.

- My adjusted average ended up at 30.2 last week, which is a little higher than I'd like. I know that it doesn't account for the gain by itself, but I'm really struggling to find a good average per day for optimum weight loss. So far I haven't really found it. 26 is too low...my body still loses, but so slowly it gives me fits. 30 may be too high. So I'm going to shoot for 28 this week and see what happens. Someday I'll find it. (the weight loss connection, the lovers, the dreamers, and meeee....)

- Water intake was also horrendously low this week. Less than a liter a day, and I had an average of nearly 40 minutes of exercise per day. I also had a car with temperamental A/C in the middle of Houston summer. I don't feel dehydrated or anything, but I still should be replenishing fluids way more than I am.

- And with Kat living at my house, I haven't been sleeping a whole lot. It's gotten better the last few nights (now that I have my bed back), but I'm still not feeling rested most of the time.

So there ye have it. I think that once my cycle gets back to normal, I drink more water, eat slightly less food, and get more sleep, the pounds will start to fall off again. At least, I really, REALLY hope so.

woo!

for the last couple days, I've been dropping 1.5 lbs. per day. I know this is a trend that has to stop eventually, but I'm hoping that it waits a couple days at least. Yeah, Mr. Scaleyman, just get me down into the 180s and hold it there. I will be one happy loser.

yup

Ran across this article today on MSN (if it weren't for my spam-o-riffic hotmail account, I would never read anything non-blog at all...)

5 diet blunders...I'm guilty of all of them--daily.

the benefits of frequent weighing

Some people say that because I weigh myself daily, I have an unhealthy relationship with the scale. That may be true...probably is true. But, thanks to a reader's suggestion, I've found a way to turn my scale-obsession into something kind of worthwhile--a weight loss trend chart.

Every day, I weigh myself nude on my scale at home. I put the weight into a spreadsheet, and then turn that spreadsheet data into a line graph. I also have graphs broken down by month, so I can see the trends more dramatically. There are times that I forget to weigh for a few days, or for a whole week, but with the graphs plotted on a timeline, it just works out that the dots are further apart at those times.

Here's the chart of my full journey:

(click for full size--it's about 700x400)

In the end, I can see the daily fluctuations in context...and the more often I weigh, the more accurate the trend line.

So, for those of you feeling guilty for your need to step on the scale every day, this is how I came to terms with mine--turn it into research!