it's like there's this space between us, and it's filled with the things we don't say

I had my final evaluation session with the personal trainer today, since I declined any further sessions. Man, was that painful. The upshot is that in the 6 weeks of sessions, I've lost 3 lbs and 7 inches. Just think what I could have done if I had gotten my food under control during that time, eh?

She kept asking what she could do to help me, and I didn't have an answer for her. I don't want her to do anything. Getting into an ongoing weight-loss relationship with her would only remind me of how much I wasted those 6 weeks, and how I grew to resent her even though things started out so well.

I'm frustrated. This is the way it's been every time I've hired a trainer. The training part goes great, but then I eat more than I know I should and see virtually no progress. I thought that this time might be different, because I felt different about it...at first. But then I didn't lose as much weight in the beginning as I hoped I would, and it started to become such a chore to drive (the half-mile) over there. Every time we took measurements, I knew she was disappointed in my progress, and the more she mentioned it the more defensive I felt. I gave short answers, dodged the subject, admitted I wasn't doing well but refused to give details or suggestions on how she could help. If she persisted, I got hostile and shut down entirely. As I've gotten further out of control with my diet, I've started to treat it like a dirty little secret. Which, I guess, is exactly what I've made it.

This is the point in the post where I would usually make some overblown pronouncement that it all ends now, I'm eating clean from now on, I'm going to throw out all the junk food and start fresh, blah-blah, etc. Except that I can't seem to do it this time. I mean, it's never worked, right? I stay on track for a couple days, screw up, give up. Lather, rinse, repeat. So, no grand plans, no challenges, no long-term anythings. I'm tired of doing things that don't work.

Now, if only I could figure out something that will work. Until then, though, I'm just going to concentrate on my goal for the next hour--staying away from the vending machine.

Hi Joy,

I've been where you are sooo many times. I won't go into my whole weight loss history, but the last chapter has been the worst: I lost ten pounds and gained twenty pounds four times over the past two years. Yep, that means I'm 40 pounds heavier than I was two years ago. Back in February, I made an appointment to have my metabolism tested so I could get exact numbers. (There is a breathing test now.) Turns out the woman offering the test does a lot more than that. She's an endurance athlete, a personal trainer, has a masters degree in counseling. I immediately took a liking to her and realized she was someone special. The point is that through my sessions with her I've discovered a lot of emotional reasons for over-eating that I didn't even realize I had. I thought I just "loved food." You may want to pursue this direction with a professional if you can find someone good (I think that's key.) Along with nutritional guidance and suggestions for raising my metabolism, this counselor helped me identify early on that the manic way in which I would approach each weight loss attempt was one thing causing me to fail. After the initial rev up, I'd crash emotionally. And then I'd eat. That was just the tip of the iceberg. Anyway, it has all been very revealing for me and has helped ease the utter frustration I was feeling (similar to the way you're feeling now). I'm making what I hope will be permanent changes this time. Best to you.

I don't even try for big challenges. I'm terrified of failure. I had to treat weightloss as a moment-by-moment decision to be able to do it. Your vending machine comment really struck home.
Good luck to you.