Over the past few days, I've begun to realize that maybe my eating habits are a little out of control.
See, when I first found out about The Elephant, my eating cleaned up immediately. It was all, "whoa, better get some nutrition in there." Then there was the part where I was pretty queasy all the time, which helped me not eat much. Then I got used to the queasiness, and along came the "eating for two" rationalizations. Or in my case, "eating for however many the hell I feel like". I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm only having one baby, but you wouldn't know it from the way I've been shoveling it in.
So, now we've progressed to stuffing myself to the point of discomfort every day, and as a result, I've grown nearly two sizes in as many weeks. It's frustrating when my pants don't fit, because I only have so many pairs of work pants, and I threw/gave away all of my fat pants. It's not like I even get any pleasure from the eating, or that my body needs it. I'm just eating to eat, and eating to excess because I wasn't really hungry in the first place, so I can't really tell when I'm full.
I hate what my body is doing right now, because I know that I shouldn't be getting this big this fast. I know that my waist thickening could be partially due to the elephant, but the thigh-fattening is SO NOT. It's due to the buffalo wings. And the cheeseburgers. And the key lime pie. And the cheese enchiladas. And...well, you get the idea, right? A lot of foods that I wouldn't have even considered two months ago are now being shoved in my mouth daily and with wild abandon.
Part of it is anxiety. I am so worried about this week's appointment, even though I keep telling myself everything's fine. I still feel the symptoms, there hasn't been any bleeding or cramping...I'm just not as far into it as we thought.
But, see...I'm not as far into it as we thought. I don't know if this is clear from what I write here, but I am very, painfully insecure in face-to-face situations, particularly with people who intimidate me. And pretty much any kind of authority intimidates me--boss, doctor, anyone I'm asking for help. So I can be sort of a freak about having to meet new people, ask for things, make conversation, depend on someone else for any sort of service or knowledge...you know, basically any social endeavor that I haven't done a million times before.
Whenever I'm going into one, I like to map out in my head exactly how it's going to go...I research, case the situation, figure out where I'm going to stand, exactly what I'm going to say, who I'm going to talk to, what I need to bring, what comes next, and what comes after that. It's not uncommon for me to have run through the entire encounter several times in my head before it actually happens.
If all goes well, this is great for making me feel comfortable when the real thing comes along. However, if the real thing deviates from the dress rehearsal in any way? It really shakes the foundation. I end up doing things like putting my coat on upside down after my first child support hearing, or bursting into tears at a new car service place because the guy didn't come to my window like at the other place, making me totally unsure that I was doing the right thing, and GOD I'M SUCH AN ASSHOLE FOR NOT KNOWING HOW TO CHANGE MY OIL. And countless other such dorky reactions.
Anyway, when I rehearsed the first prenatal visit, it was with the template of my prenatal visits 12 years ago, and with the expectation that we conceived around the first of January. So all my rehearsals had the doctor smiling and saying that everything seemed fine for 8 weeks, and that she would see me next month. They'd draw some blood, we'd ask some questions, and I'd come back in March.
Instead, we did an ultrasound, didn't see a baby, and estimated the pregnancy at 5 weeks instead of eight. Then she sent me down for more testing and asked me to come back in a week. This took me totally off-script, to which I responded by dropping things, stammering a lot, and forgetting almost every question I intended to ask. All of a sudden I didn't know ANYTHING I thought I knew. The baby is not the size of a raspberry! Its heart is not beating yet! I cannot possibly be due in September! We can't see it--what if we can't see it next week either? What if it's not there at all?
And it goes on like this for a while, until I get hold of myself and start in with all the reasons that everything's totally fine--it's way early, the symptoms are still there, I've done everything I'm supposed to, etc. Sometimes, the way I get hold of myself is by eating a lot of things that I have no business eating. And then my pants don't fit, and that's a whole 'nother kind of anxiety.
So, basically, this whole week has been about eating, worrying, and waiting for Thursday. Just like last week, except nowhere near as sure that everything is going to be okay. I'm hoping that once Thursday has come and gone (and everything turns out totally fine because everything is totally fine), I can find my way back to eating more like that first week again.
(But hey--I did work out this morning!)
Posted by Joy at February 13, 2006 03:33 PMBe really careful about the weight gain. With both of my pregnancies I gained 60 lbs, don't ask me how because I did NOT overeat, I just ate well and if I was hungry (which apparently was always...). But after the whole pregnancy ordeal is over and you have this infant to take care of 24/7 you really really want to feel like YOU again. With 40 lbs extra that becomes really difficult. I was able to take off the lbs both times but it was really really hard. I think WW has a pregnancy programme if you have dr approval.
I'lll be waiting to hear your good news tomorrow...
Posted by: sue on February 15, 2006 12:09 PM
not well. Even though the gestational sac is the right size for 6 weeks, there's no visible yolk sac or embryo. I go back Monday, but outlook is not good.
Posted by: joy on February 16, 2006 05:00 PM
Oh, what a scary time for you ! All of my good wishes coming your way-
Posted by: sue on February 16, 2006 11:55 PM
thanks, sue.
Really, the only thing left to do right now is pray for a miracle between now and Monday. By all accounts, we should have seen something by now on a normal pregnancy, even allowing for a +/-5 day variance. If there's still no development by Monday, a miscarriage is inevitable.
I'm still trying to keep hope alive, praying hard with as much faith can muster, but it's a 1-in-a-million shot at this point. My hormone levels were still reasonable yesterday, but that's also normal for the kind of problem this appears to be.
I know you've been through something like this, too...I really do appreciate your good wishes.
Posted by: joy on February 17, 2006 06:45 AM
Joy, you cannot help but keep hope alive. And that is what you will do. Brian Kane and his wife got the same news, but their story ended well, they pulled the one in a million ticket.
I'm hoping you beat the odds too-
Posted by: sue on February 17, 2006 12:54 PM
Joy,
Sue mentioned that you could use some good thoughts sent your way.... I agree with her that those impossible tickets can be pulled out... stay as busy as possbile and as positive as possible till Monday... Prayers from Alabama.
Ann
I've come over from Sue's to add my good wishes. Will be thinking of you.
Posted by: Catherine on February 18, 2006 12:18 PM
thanks everyone...I really appreciate the support. I'll be back sometime Monday to update on the appointment.
Posted by: joy on February 19, 2006 11:42 AM
I'm here from Sue's too - I hope today went well, and my prayers to you for strength and courage. We need those even with good news, you know?
Posted by: JoAnne on February 20, 2006 05:45 PM