"The race is long...and in the end, it's only with yourself."**

I've had a vendor consultant working with me since yesterday, so I haven't had much time to slack off er, I mean post. But he's gone back to his hotel room now, and I've got about 10 minutes before I need to get back to creating a mind-numbing powerpoint presentation. (The creation process is what's mind-numbing, not the presentation itself. Though I guess it depends on if you're at all interested in server technology, which I kind of am, at least as far as it applies to my job. But whatever...I still hate powerpoint.)

Anyway, I was thinking in the car today, after the Starbucks girl (I wish I could remember her name...she knows mine, after all) commented on my weight, about my reaction to it. I mean, I was gracious about it, but I still downplayed it because I felt like I hadn't done much since she'd known me. I've only been going to that Starbucks regularly since last summer, and I actually weighed less then than I do now.

Even as she was asking me if I had lost weight, the self-defeating crap was running through my head--"it must be the vertical stripes, maybe this shirt isn't too tight after all--OMG, the button's straining over the bust again, scrunch shoulders, stat! I've only lost 3 lbs this year, what do I say, no? Yes? Say something, Joy, you're grinning like an idiot..."

I settled on stammering, "a little bit." Which was technically true, but later it felt like I was cheapening the compliment to say so. You know?

Anyway, this is what I was thinking on the way to work today, and then I got here and the consultant made a conversational comment about my coffee-water routine, the point of which was basically that I sure do drink a lot of water. I had mentioned my running yesterday when we were talking about his uncle the marathoner, so he asked if the water was related to the running.

I found myself launching into the whole weight loss spiel..."I've been trying to lose weight for 3 years, started at almost 220, things have slowed down lately..." Again with the minimization. He was nice about the weight loss, and said that I carried it well and he wouldn't have guessed, we talked about some other stuff (he was actually on a diet to gain weight for a while), and the conversation shifted back to work things.

My reaction to both these incidents still bothers me, for the same reason that my reaction to the more successful weight loss/fitness blogs bothers me. This is not a race, this is not a competition, there are no bookies in Vegas working out stakes on who will get to goal first. With the exception of family, a handful of kind strangers, and myself, no one cares when I get there. And there's no "last place" here, besides.

Why, then, do I feel the need to apologize about losing slowly? Why do I feel sort of awkward and inferior when I read about people who lose 50 lbs in 6 months, people who can stick to a plan, people who are strong, people who are diligent? People who are everything I am not? Because they're winning, that's why. Winning a race that they don't even know they're in.

All my life, I've wanted to be the best at something, and fallen shy of it. I'm the queen of the "honorable mention" award, ruler of the also-rans. I've always had a small group of friends, but I've never been anyone's best friend. In HS, I graduated second in the class. When I auditioned for plays, I was never cast in the lead. My credits are things like "Telephone girl" and "Dancer #3". I was good enough for a duet, but not a solo. I was a right-fielder in little league, a goalie in soccer, picked last for kickball, manager of the track team. Popular enough for class secretary, but not for class president. My whole life, I've been just good enough to be almost noticed. Just good enough to be forgotten.

So, what's that got to do with anything? It feeds an insanely competitive streak in me, even when my logical side tells me it's pointless. It's endless, and it's the same with everything.

It's not that I am not genuinely happy for the other people, the winners, because I am. It's just difficult to separate it from the jealousy, or from the guilt. "Good for you" and "why didn't I" are together in my head like peanut butter and chocolate in that old Reese's commercial--two great thoughts that taste great together. "Hey, your congratulations got in my self-loathing! Hey, your self-loathing got in my congratulations!"

I work on it though, beat it down as much as I can. Now, I've mostly progressed to the point where I don't feel like I have to win all the time. Mostly, I just don't want to come in last. However, the need to be better/faster/prettier/stronger/smarter/first is still there, and every once in a while feelings of inadequacy catch up with me same as they do with everyone, I'm sure. We all have our demons, after all, and this is a pretty common one.

The weird thing about all of this (besides, well, all of this), is that I like the pace I'm going with the weight loss. It's slow, and I'm never going to be a "results not typical" success story...because if the rest of my life is any indication, I think my results probably ARE typical. That said, I've been frustrated, I've taken breaks, I've made mistakes, I've tried a lot of things...but I've never given up, and I think that's something. I know that in the long run, I'm going to be more satisfied to lose 80 lbs in 5 years (or 10!) and keep it off than I would if I had dropped all of them the first year and then gained everything back with interest. Would I have been happier if I had reached goal by my 30th birthday? Sure. Does it do any good to mourn over my failure to do it? No.

Try as I might, though, it's still hard to convince the perpetual also-ran in me that there's no one but me even in this race. Finishing is winning.

**Wear Sunscreen (right-click, save-as MP3 link removed...)

Hey, I was 2nd in my class also! I knew there was a reason I liked you!

I also weighed the same as you ALL LAST YEAR, even though I did Weight Watchers pretty decently and exercised like a maniac. Just like you.

There was a woman that came into WW, did her journal, contributed positively to discussions, did the minimum Curves thing 3 times a week and lost her 35 pounds. I hated her.

So, I think you are doing great!

BTW, I switched to another weight loss plan this year. I've lost 17 pounds on it and am eating more healthfully, but you know? I'm still not celebrating the journey. I remembered a time when I would have killed to be 175 and a few months ago, it passed me by with barely a notice.

And, here's a tidbit for you: you might not have lost much last year, but you didn't gain it back. That's a huge accomplishment. Something I don't let myself celebrate either.

Love your blog! Keep at it.

Oh Joy, that was a really really great post. It touched on so many things I feel/deal with I couldn't even absorb it all in one read. When I reread it later I'm sure I'll articulate the words better.