I'm back down to 180.5 again today. There are still 4 days before I weigh in. If I can stay on task for 4 more days, I may be able to post my lowest weight in at least 6 years. Maybe I'll even break out of the 180s, finally.
That's a big if, though. This is the day of the week the derailment usually begins...on Friday, the wheels start to get a little shaky, the cars start to shudder, and by Sunday, there's bits of weight-loss train all over the countryside. I can usually get it back together by Tuesday, but by then it's just too late. There's weigh-in Wednesday, and the cycle begins anew.
Recognizing the pattern is the first step, I guess...the problem is, that's as far as I ever seem to get. I recognize it every week. I've recognized the hell out of it. Why, then, can't I do something about it?
I guess it's the same block that I have about everything else. I'm very good at planning things, down to the minutest of detail. I'm good at writing out the plan, at making to-do lists, at writing endless missives about how "this time, it's going to be different." It's not just about weight loss--I've tried to commit to better financial strategies (ie, not spending every penny I make and then some), better work ethic, stronger spiritual life, going back to college, trying to write a book (or anything of value or marketability)...it all ends the same. It's like there's this huge wall between thoughts and action. A wall of fear.
Someone once gave me a quote that went something like "Change will happen at the point where the pain of staying the same exceeds the pain of change." (The actual quote was more eloquent than that...I just don't remember it exactly.) That imbalance of pain is what started this journey back in January of 2003. Looking back on old journal entries, I've crossed that point maybe a dozen times since then, and yet I keep jumping back to the other side and crossing it again. And it's always the same pain, always the same promises, the same failures, the same recommitment. Each time it's less extreme, and each time it's easier to get back on track, but why can't I just get over it permanently?
I guess it's because I'm a perfectionist at heart. I don't want to be just good with money--I want to do exactly the right things with it. I don't want to be a good network administrator--I want to be the best in the department. It's not enough to go back to college--I want to make sure I choose exactly the right path this time around. It's not enough to publish a book, or even a book that sells--if I'm going to write something, I want to write something good. I don't want to be kind of healthy--I want to be perfectly healthy.
When you combine that perfectionism with procrastination, natural impatience, and an almost debilitating fear of failure and/or rejection, it's a recipe for disaster. I think I should be perfect RIGHT NOW, and I'm afraid I can't be, so why even start?
Sigh. The story of my life.
Posted by Joy at May 14, 2004 10:19 AM