We had our ceremony meeting with our pastor and his wife tonight. Before the meeting, I was only slightly nervous about getting married...now I'm absolutely terrified.
So what was it that set me off? The lifelong commitment? The half a dozen things left to do before the big day? The money? Nope...it was one phrase in one sentence in an offhand part of the conversation:
"...and then everyone will stand up and turn around to watch the bride..."
HOLY SHIT. I almost passed out right there at the Starbucks. How did I not remember that part? Did I block it out? Repress it? How could I not remember that for the entire time I'm walking down that aisle, every eye in the place is going to be on me? And that they're all going to be standing up like I'm the f---ing queen of the world? And that they're going to continue to watch Robert and me throughout the entire 20-minute ceremony. Watching me. Every move I make. If I scratch my nose, 86 people will see me do it.
I've heard that phrase "it's all about the bride" about 10,000 times in the past 9 months, and I've even said it jokingly a few times. But it wasn't until about an hour and a half ago that it fully registered that I am the bride in this scenario.
I may be overreacting just a little bit...but I've never been good with being the center of attention. Trusted relatives tell me that I cried at my third birthday party because everyone was looking at me when I blew out the candles. When I gave my speech at HS graduation (salutatorian), I had the entire thing written on three index cards and read it word for word. There was a scary moment where I lost my place and had to wing it a little. It took me an hour and a half to quit shaking after that. Hell, if I thought this site had more than 6-7 readers, I'd probably shut it down because the pressure to say something worthwhile would be too much to bear. And now I'm going to try to be a bride?
What was I thinking?!
Posted by Joy at March 23, 2004 11:07 PM