um, never mind

note to self: do not write while tired. Especially not deliriously tired after a BNL concert that we drove downtown through flood waters to get to. And especially not after eating a Whataburger value meal at midnight. I wasn't even drinking last night, and I look back on that midnight entry and say, "what the fuck?"

Now, don't get me wrong. I still meant it this morning. My brain's a funny thing, though. I expect everyone is like this to some degree, some more than others. But I've noticed that almost the very second I tell myself that I'm not going to do something, I want to do it. The minute I announce that I have lost my motivation, it comes back. The moment I say I'm going on hiatus, I'm flooded with dozens of ideas to write about. The minute I say that I don't want to move into Rob's house after the wedding, I start to waffle on the idea. But that's another matter entirely, one that I need to give considerably more thought (and prayer) before I throw plans into motion. And since it has nothing to do with weight loss, we'll just leave that alone for right now.

Aaaanyway. I'm doing a little experiment right now with the weight loss thing. I'm not going to keep a food/exercise journal for a while. Mostly, this is because planning my meals and calculating the points on everything has made me obsess about food. All I think about lately is what I'm going to eat next, what I'm going to pick up at the grocery store, whether or not I should buy food for the rest of the week, how many points are in a snickers bar, and how much exercise I would have to do if I wanted to eat one. I'm thinking about eating ALL THE TIME, and if anyone can tell me that's healthy, I don't want to hear it. I've got enough to keep track of without obsessing over food.

I also had some serious issues last week. It may have been a little touch of the flu, it may have been hormones, it may have been lack of sleep...but I was getting dizzy when standing up, I had no energy, and I was emotionally down. I was doing all the things that I thought I should be doing...taking vitamins, drinking lots of water, bringing my lunch to work, working out during my lunch hour, planning my dinners. And I was fucking miserable.

Sometime Friday afternoon, as I was packing to go on the church field trip (which went amazingly well--8 adults and 32 kids aged 5-11 went, there were no injuries, and everyone slept through the night...an absolute miracle), I just waved the white flag on the diet. I wasn't going to have time to eat before the trip, and the only thing on the menu that night was going to be pizza. The morning was donuts. I assessed the situation, and just decided that I'd eat. I wasn't going to go crazy and eat a whole pizza or anything...but I wasn't going to have less than I wanted. And most importantly, I was not going to worry about it.

I went on this trip, I had two pieces of pizza, a mini donut, half an orange and three bottles of water. I didn't count points from Friday night through yesterday, and I'm pretty sure I was over every day but Sunday. But you know what? I've started to feel better. My weight has remained constant. My mood was still gloomy, but I think a lot of that was pent-up hostility that I've been hanging onto and building for a few months. Some of that was released yesterday, and my mood is downright perky today.

So, I'm rambling a bit here...what was my point again? Oh yeah. No diet logs. No exercise logs. I'm going to eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full, and eat what I feel like eating, not what is going to fall into my points scheme for the day. If I want chili, I'm going to make it. If I'm in the mood for candy, I'm going to eat candy. Now that it's not raining, I'm going to walk in the mornings a few times a week. I'm going to work out over lunch a couple times a week. Not because it's a necessary part of The Almighty Plan, but because I like that break in the middle of the day when I can be by myself and read a book while pumping away on the stationary bike.

My ultimate goal is to structure my fitness journey around my life, and not vice versa. We'll see how it goes.

Well I'm glad you got that all figured out :D,

..one who totally understands the confusion from time to time.