body image

According to my scale this morning, I am .2 lbs away from the 20-lb. milestone. That's amazing to me.

When I started this thing, I lost 10 lbs in 4 weeks, and I thought this was going to be a walk in the park. It didn't quite work out that way, but yet, here we are 13 weeks later, still losing and still as determined as ever. I've had some slips in motivation here and there, but overall I'm pleased with how things are going. And hey...20 lbs! Wow. My biggest cat weighs less than that (but not by much...they're part cougar, I think).

That said, I don't feel a whole lot smaller than I did. I mean, I'm still over 50 lbs. overweight, so I'm far from looking thin. It's weird how completely I've lied to myself about my body. I've been gradually growing bigger for the past 8 years, but in my head I'm always the same size I was when I left Wisconsin (about 175 lbs). I'm continually surprised when I see pictures of me now--do I really look like that? How long have I looked like that? Eventually, I just avoided taking pictures.

The smaller I get, the more horrified I am that I ever let myself get so big without being the least bit concerned. I think about how much easier this would be if I had just put my best effort into the personal trainers 3 years ago, when I was 205 lbs. I wouldn't have had to lose that extra 15. But like I've said before, I'm stubborn. No one was going to tell me I was too fat, or I was eating more than I should...I had to decide that on my own terms. I just wish I had done it earlier.

But, to get all Stuart Smalley on you, there I go shoulding all over myself. I started when I was ready, and four months later I'm almost a quarter of the way to goal. I've no doubt that soon the day will come when I'll look at a picture of myself and say, "yeah, that's how I look." instead of the current, "Good God, that's how I look?!"